An entry from April 17, 2007. Not sure why I let it sit in the drafts folder for 6 years. Ironically, 6 years later I find myself practically destitute, scrambling to land on my feet again....
Anyway, here is the post:
It was a discouraging day listening to a 401K presenter today.... the realization that I don't have enough peanuts stacked away for financial autonomy.... a result of spending my life seeking psychological autonomy..... not giving in or ever knuckling under to the status quo. But what a price I paid for that, for emotional emancipation and freedom, and sometimes I wonder if it wasn't too steep a price.
Alone in the world, I have to live off what I make. Couples double their odds at making it financially, over single people. They can contribute more to plans like this, they defray the cost of living between 2 people. One person isn't absorbing everything.
That's the downside of being single.... you absorb everything yourself. Everything. You sink or swim on your own. I remember thinking about autonomy years ago. Real autonomy, I quickly realized, could be a burden and not something all can bear. Yet, I chose it. Or, rather, it chose me, for there were diversions from the state of being single to be coupled...but they just didn't work.
Sometimes I think they didn't work because the image I projected, by design, not choice mind you, was often very sensual and feminine. It could feed a lot of fantasies for the other person.... that is, until I opened my mouth. Then the image would slowly shatter and crumble.... crumble in the sense of Sarte's concept of the "other". When we can't possess the other, then we want to destroy it... and I was always the one who could not be possessed. Always there was retained a bit of "self" that no one could reach. And always, when the person in my life realized that, they sought to destroy it and there are a thousand ways to try and do that to a person, and I think I've been subject to most of them.
Yet, I held on and somehow always managed to resurrect myself from the ashes... a bit stronger, a bit more determined. Yet here I sit now, just too tired to fight for more, too tired to fight for my share, just not giving a damn about any of it right now. I've fought for everything my entire life.
Tuesday, April 17, 2007
Saturday, March 24, 2007
Poetry of Loss & Gain
All my life I've been on the move, moving away from or towards something, but seldom pausing. One can never be quite certain about these things, ie, whether the "from" or "to" direction is the dominant, motivating force... I'd like to believe that it was the "towards something better" that moved me along life's journey.
Old poems written years ago...poems committed to memory, etched upon my heart by having lived them, the moment of pause between one action and the next.
"The Dawn of Understanding,
Is like the Breaking of a Storm,
And in my fear I seek some Shelter,
A consoling place that's warm.
A place where I can shield my Eyes,
Against the Lightening's Bolt of Truth,
A place where I can deafen my Ears,
Against the Thunder's rebellious Youth.
I tremble with my options,
There is no place to hide,
and the Anquish I thought External,
In my Soul it now abides.
I search the far horizon of this Empty, Vacant land,
and my heart is quickly Lightened....
by the sight of a Beckoning Hand.
My mind is working quick, but my body still stands still.
This is not a cozy sanctuary, my fortress on a Hill....
And yet.........
It exemplifies camaraderie, the sharing of our fate.
And so I head the silhouette's way, the beckoning hand the bait.
I run to my companion in this dark, foreboding place,
My haste precludes my caution, for I did not see His face.
The personage is Thor who has called me forth to Him,
His lightening bolts strike round me, their targets are his whim.
Before they strike my Being, before they end my life.
Let me find some meaning to my struggle and my strife.
Let me tell you quickly, for the end now seems so near,
How this apparition had become so very dear.
It was as if a snowflake, in it's pure but cold domain,
Had reached out for the Sun's Warmth,
Unity it's gain.
Not ever comprehending that the Unity it sought,
That which seemed so enticing.....
Only destruction could be wrought.
and then the turn from looking inward, to looking outward...
To be so Casual and Unconfined,
To Never experience unease of Mind.
To reach out and touch, but never Feel,
To not have feelings, no need to Conceal.
Pursue the elusive image, it's glare so bright,
That what stands before you is obscured from Sight.
No need to pause for a Moments Reflection,
It's in the distance, you know it's direction.
But during your Journey, or is it a Flight?
Remember a long ago, far away Night.
Of something more than "just someone" there,
More like a thought, an intimacy to share.
Not one of Word, of Physical Deed,
But an intimacy borne of Emotional Need,
One that became Predictable and Tame,
One that became a Casualty of Same.
And when you arrive at that point on the Line,
Where the illusion has lost it's Luster and Shine.
When, out of Fear, you cannot look ahead,
The Road to the Future can no longer be read.
When, out of Regret, you cannot look behind,
There are memories too painful to summon to mind.
My heart wants to tell you that I will be there,
Kindness, Compassion, my Being to share.
Faith, Hope and Love the elements of cure,
Illusions no longer to be the lure....
BUT...........
Romanticism ends and intellect dictates,
The impatient self is unable to wait.
For many are the illusions of my own to pursue,
And the moments remaining.... all too few.
So when alone, and feeling small, these parting words you may recall.
When your palms hold the remnants of dreams turned to dust,
When all that is golden appears only as rust...
When the insidious illusion has turn ragged and rough....
Remember..... knowing thyself can be more than enough.
God has brought me to a place of peace, of equanimity, and I so want to abide here. "One more time, "the Lord says to me, "One More Time. We are placed here on this earth to learn from one another, and in that process, there are both painful and joyful lessons." So I embark, yet again, down the path with my companion.... teacher-student, student-teacher, the roles constantly reversing, facing the obstacles and challenges of yet one more journey....
Old poems written years ago...poems committed to memory, etched upon my heart by having lived them, the moment of pause between one action and the next.
"The Dawn of Understanding,
Is like the Breaking of a Storm,
And in my fear I seek some Shelter,
A consoling place that's warm.
A place where I can shield my Eyes,
Against the Lightening's Bolt of Truth,
A place where I can deafen my Ears,
Against the Thunder's rebellious Youth.
I tremble with my options,
There is no place to hide,
and the Anquish I thought External,
In my Soul it now abides.
I search the far horizon of this Empty, Vacant land,
and my heart is quickly Lightened....
by the sight of a Beckoning Hand.
My mind is working quick, but my body still stands still.
This is not a cozy sanctuary, my fortress on a Hill....
And yet.........
It exemplifies camaraderie, the sharing of our fate.
And so I head the silhouette's way, the beckoning hand the bait.
I run to my companion in this dark, foreboding place,
My haste precludes my caution, for I did not see His face.
The personage is Thor who has called me forth to Him,
His lightening bolts strike round me, their targets are his whim.
Before they strike my Being, before they end my life.
Let me find some meaning to my struggle and my strife.
Let me tell you quickly, for the end now seems so near,
How this apparition had become so very dear.
It was as if a snowflake, in it's pure but cold domain,
Had reached out for the Sun's Warmth,
Unity it's gain.
Not ever comprehending that the Unity it sought,
That which seemed so enticing.....
Only destruction could be wrought.
and then the turn from looking inward, to looking outward...
To be so Casual and Unconfined,
To Never experience unease of Mind.
To reach out and touch, but never Feel,
To not have feelings, no need to Conceal.
Pursue the elusive image, it's glare so bright,
That what stands before you is obscured from Sight.
No need to pause for a Moments Reflection,
It's in the distance, you know it's direction.
But during your Journey, or is it a Flight?
Remember a long ago, far away Night.
Of something more than "just someone" there,
More like a thought, an intimacy to share.
Not one of Word, of Physical Deed,
But an intimacy borne of Emotional Need,
One that became Predictable and Tame,
One that became a Casualty of Same.
And when you arrive at that point on the Line,
Where the illusion has lost it's Luster and Shine.
When, out of Fear, you cannot look ahead,
The Road to the Future can no longer be read.
When, out of Regret, you cannot look behind,
There are memories too painful to summon to mind.
My heart wants to tell you that I will be there,
Kindness, Compassion, my Being to share.
Faith, Hope and Love the elements of cure,
Illusions no longer to be the lure....
BUT...........
Romanticism ends and intellect dictates,
The impatient self is unable to wait.
For many are the illusions of my own to pursue,
And the moments remaining.... all too few.
So when alone, and feeling small, these parting words you may recall.
When your palms hold the remnants of dreams turned to dust,
When all that is golden appears only as rust...
When the insidious illusion has turn ragged and rough....
Remember..... knowing thyself can be more than enough.
God has brought me to a place of peace, of equanimity, and I so want to abide here. "One more time, "the Lord says to me, "One More Time. We are placed here on this earth to learn from one another, and in that process, there are both painful and joyful lessons." So I embark, yet again, down the path with my companion.... teacher-student, student-teacher, the roles constantly reversing, facing the obstacles and challenges of yet one more journey....
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